Life Plan #7

(Alternatively titled: Epiphany of the Day)

When I grow up, I want to be a lighthouse keeper.

If anyone has any leads on how to accomplish this, feel free to reply to this post and/or apply for a position as my new bestest friend in the world! (An appointment likely to be short-lived, what with my imminent future as a hermit holed up high above the rocky coastline, far-removed from society at large.)

Qualifications:

  • capable of entertaining self alone for long periods of time
  • doesn’t mind stairs (sees them as a great in-home exercise opportunity, in fact)
  • regularly keeps strange hours; ready to swing into action day or night as needed
  • knowledgeable in re: changing lightbulbs

Call me, vacant lighthouse keeper position fillers of the world! I have a college degree and can start immediately!

juuleeyuuh, everyone. She is, of course, referring to our long-term plan to be backup domestic/marriage partners should we not be already accounted for by our forties. It’s an ingenious scheme, really. Not cool enough to get in on the promising pacts in middle school, we instead cashed in on an awesome same-sex relationship built on mutual love for burritos, Tina Fey, drinking, and shoes. I mean, gay marriage will probs be not a prob by the the time we’re that age anyway. (Yes, I just used “prob” in two different contexts in the same sentence. Take note.) Here’s to being always the bridesmaids cool, drunk aunts and never the brides responsible, sober mothers. FOREVER ALONE!… together. <3
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juuleeyuuh, everyone.

She is, of course, referring to our long-term plan to be backup domestic/marriage partners should we not be already accounted for by our forties. It’s an ingenious scheme, really. Not cool enough to get in on the promising pacts in middle school, we instead cashed in on an awesome same-sex relationship built on mutual love for burritos, Tina Fey, drinking, and shoes. I mean, gay marriage will probs be not a prob by the the time we’re that age anyway. (Yes, I just used “prob” in two different contexts in the same sentence. Take note.)

Here’s to being always the bridesmaids cool, drunk aunts and never the brides responsible, sober mothers. FOREVER ALONE!… together. <3

Life Plan #6

Marry an MMA fighter.

  • buff bod (duh)
  • completely shaved (cha-ching!)
  • wouldn’t have to cook for him since he’d be on his own special diet
  • great arm candy for future high school reunions
  • fabulous health care plan, i’m sure
  • front row seats to MMA events—way better than dinner and a movie
  • good chance he’d inspire me to get my own ass in gear

This may be one of my best life plans yet. Former resolutions include bffing an old, childless couple with a deli and inheriting it upon their deaths; amongst others.

I’m going to go into the video textbook business. I will save millions of college students from laboring over 300 pages of the literary equivalent of a jumbo bag of off-brand cheerios that taste like cardboard every night and I will make millions doing so. And then I’m going to move in across the street from Al Gore and we’ll battle over Christmas light displays with energy efficient bulbs. This is my new life path.