What if the only tattoo you got was making your nipples a different color? Like, what if you were undressing someone you were getting hot n heavy with and you take off their shirt and suddenly it’s like, royal blue nipples?
re: Racist Team Names
I propose we wrap up all this hoopla surrounding racist professional sports team names and re-dub the offending organizations as follows:
- The Cleveland Crackers
- The Washington Rednecks*
- The Hotlanta Honkies
- The Kansas City Colonizers
- The Chicago Palefaces
I mean, what better way to support the argument that appropriating general categories of people for mascots is acceptable than leading by [white majority] example? It’s only fair.
*Also acceptable: the Washington White Devil, White Trash, or WASPs
I just forgot how old I am. Again.
Having surpassed the initial onslaught of noteworthy birthdays, growing older and remembering my own age has become something akin to reciting multiples of twelve—I really oughta have it down by now… but sometimes the only way to be sure is to just count it out.
Restaurant websites should end in “.nom”
Thank you! You’re welcome! Good night! I’ll be here all week!
The further we get into the 21st c., the more I believe we are witnessing the emergence of a Godwin’s Law variant premised on Lindsay Lohan’s life failures.
If I Were a Scientist:
What if scientists tracked everyone’s expletive usage—specifically word choice and emission patterns—and, after compiling the data, grouped people together who share similar cursing habits?
Where would we see correlations between subjects? Socioeconomic? Cultural? Age? Geographic? Specific life experience?
Who’s more likely to jump right to ‘motherfucker’?
When I was younger I would also think about what it would look like if you could line up all the people in the world on a continuum based on certain facial features. Or whether it would be possible to set them up in such a way as to make it look like one face seamlessly morphing into others.
JUST SOME THOUGHTS.
Maybe someday I’ll get super rich and just pay people to carry out all my grandiose, half-baked ideas. Like the Richard Branson of faux science. Gotta find me some spaceschip pilots.
Today I bought a sweatshirt at the thrift store for five bucks. It has a crocodile running and carrying a lunchbox while rocking sunglasses, a backpack, and sneakers. Children play in the background in rainbow colors.
Maybe I’ll post a picture when it’s not 3:00 am because no amount of text could really do it justice.
…On second thought, he might be walking. It’s hard to tell with those bipedal crocs, especially when they’re leaning forward. Is that just their posture or an indication of speed? There is no way to know. Is Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile to be used as the controlling precedent? Someone ask the Tootsie Pop owl.
P.S. Why hasn’t anyone created a Magic 8-ball style website where you ask things of the Tootsie Pop owl and he answers your questions? Must I be the one to do everything around here?
Who can read 30 pages of constitutional law cases when the internet is a thing that exists and you can watch in-studio performances of awesome bands that do amazing things until your brain drops out your butt because wtf world.
How is this a thing?! How is any of it a thing?! People used to poop over holes in the ground in shacks and get dysentery somewhere in bumfuck Idaho while fording rivers in wagons made out of wood and canvas without air conditioning or Chinese food and THIS IS REAL?!
Please forgive my lapses in sociability this week. I am watching sound art and trying to figure out how to get through a three-hour OR supreme court hearing tomorrow morning.
Thought of the Day:
Vaginas are like upside-down Volcanoes.
*I reserve the right to elaborate for an undisclosed future date. So just think about it for now.
I was just thinking about the fact that when I created this tumblr, I had no idea I would someday be attending law school and how ironic is it that it is has such a legal-sounding name? But then I realized the real ironic part is that I will never be a juror in the U.S. judicial system. I will never experience jury duty. Even though I was one of those weirdos that secretly hoped to someday be on one. Scratch that one off the bucket list ‘cause it ain’t happenin’.
That’s okay. The other day I was contemplating putting “ride in a sidecar” on the list but who the hell even owns a sidecar these days other than dog owners who like to put pics of their pets on the internet? And if my future friend/spouse/family member owned a motorcycle, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time in the bitch seat. I’d be forcing shim to teach me how to drive one myself!
So I guess I should actually be putting THAT on my bucket list.
If I had one. I don’t, so this whole post is moot.
MOOT COURT. …another place I won’t serve as a jury member.